my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize