Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Randomize
