saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
