ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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