I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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