: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
