theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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