All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
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