Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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