I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
