I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
