So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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