i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
