Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize
