Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize
