at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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