yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
