Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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