STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
