I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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