Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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