I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
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