She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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