yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
