i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
