i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
