During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
