i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
