dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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