he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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