Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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