I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
