I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
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