it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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