I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
