i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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