Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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