goodnight i made you a song goodbye
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
my being single is dangerous.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
