She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
