85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I made him laugh his dick is mine
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
