I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
