You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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