i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
