I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
