Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
