i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Randomize