I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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