so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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