did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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