well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
that's an acceptable place to lick
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Randomize
