Kareoke will never be a sober sport
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
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