I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
