there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I think I just shit out all my problems.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
