remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
