So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
