She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Randomize
