Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
