Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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