the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
