I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
