i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Randomize
