The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
