there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Randomize
